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How Do I Approach My Confused Son?

The following was submitted to Islam Online's Cyber Counselors, and their reply is below.

My son who just turned 20 years old, indicated to his sister who is 23 that he might be gay but is confused. He told her not to tell me and my husband or he will leave the house. We are devout Muslims and pray 5 times a day. He also prays when he can and fasts and we thought we had brought up our 3 children properly.

We have been living in this country for 19 years. He has a few friends from school who are non-muslims and are not a good influence. We are so worried and do not know how to approach him.

I know that he can change as this might be pyschological. How should we approach him so that he does not feel threatened? We pray day and night to Allah for help and guidance. Please pray for us and him and we would appreciate for your response. Thank you very much.

One of the toughest challenges to face when raising teenagers is to ensure that they come into adulthood within Islamic guidelines. This means planning ahead by educating them for what they might be confronted with and also dealing with their behaviors as they are presented to us. In this case, we want to first reassure you not to blame yourself or your husband for what you have learned about your son. Allah (swt) tests us in many ways and since you have given your children a proper Islamic upbringing, you are not to blame.

However, we are concerned about the fact that your son's circle of friends includes non-Muslims. You write that they are not a good influence on him. Well, this is your starting point towards dealing with your son's greater dilemma of whether or not he is gay. Get to the heart of the matter and start having some input as to who he chooses as his close friends and how much time he spends with them. You need not explore the issue of his sexuality right away. But in trying to deal with him about his friends, you will be able to gather more information about just what kinds of influences your son is exposed to.

If you can, increase your friend's interaction with Muslim boys his age. Is he attending college? Is there a chapter of the Muslim Students Association there? Perhaps you can encourage him to attend their activities and become more involved.

We strongly suggest that you let your daughter remain a source of support for your son. Since your son has not come to you for help, he will realize that she has betrayed his trust if you approach him. If he confides in her, it is better for you to be aware of his thoughts and behaviors through her because he might never turn to you for help. However, you can also advise her to keep up the pressure for him not to further explore his feelings about homosexuality. She shoud remind him that it is only a phase and that Allah (Swt) has not created us to be anything other than heterosexual beings. Let her be your voice and let her make sure to convey to him how unacceptable such behavior is within Islam. She should maintain close relations with her brother and keep you informed. The moment she feels that he is becoming more serious about being gay, she should intensify her pressure for him to abandon such thoughts.

Leaving him alone and not dealing with this issue as if it does not exist will not help. However, you cannot be the one who deals with this until your daughter feels that she has exhausted all of her efforts. You might also consider seeking counseling for your son. If you can locate a Muslim counselor, that would be the best option.

Make lots of du'a for your son. Seek the guidance and protection of Allah (swt) from the evil that is being thrust upon your son. If you let this issue linger on too long, your whole family, including your son will regret it. Please talk to your daughter and step up her involvement in his life.