webhosting   Cheap Reseller Hosting   links    free hosting by fateback   hosting reseller   100WebSpace offers 100MB Web Space

Homosexual Tendencies are Hurting Me and My Marriage

The following was submitted to Islam Online's Cyber Counselors, and their reply is below.

I was pressured into an arranged marriage and now have 2 children. I have had sexual attractions to older men since about 13 years old. These have gotten stronger, and after 15 years I finally gave in. (This was due to a combination of bad marital relations, and feeling that I would regret not exploring my sexuality. Being brought up in England, the issue of being gay seemed normal.)

I did not commit sodomy, but other homosexual acts were done. This happened about 6 months ago on 3 occasions. However I decided not to do it again as I did not think it was worth it. I regret my actions as I have commited adultery and been with a man. No one else knows about this. I could never discuss this with my family or the local Imam (who I cannot trust). I wish that I could have seeked help before I got further. However the problem is that I still have strong feelings for older men. I can get aroused by my wife, but have difficulty climaxing due to my sexuality (probably psychological now). I would love to have my homosexual feelings curbed. My worry is that I may not be strong enough to resist any opportunity that may occur. My job involves working with the general public, and I am in close contact with older men- so I am often reminded of this.

Professional ethics mean I am not allowed to do anything in my job, but the feelings do get reinforced daily. I realise that I should change jobs, but I have trained specially for the job over last few years. (I think my feelings had gotten stronger since I started working; if I do not look at a older man, then I do not think about them always). However I do plan to change my profession one day. Due to financial reasons and having a family, I need to earn money. Therefore I need help in the meantime.

I have tried to look for help in the UK but cannot find any true Muslim counselors. Are there any websites, books or literature available? Incidentally since I decided to take action, my relation with my wife has improved. I have not told her about my bisexuality, and hope she does not find out about the biggest mistake of my life. I hope I can be forgiven by Allah, and realise that I should never do it again if I am to be forgiven.

However I need help to control my feelings. Do you think it is possible for my heterosexual side to become stronger so that I am sexually fulfilled by legal means of marriage?

I desperatly need help with resolving my homosexuality. Are there any muslim counsellors in the UK that can help? Most UK counsellors will be trained to think that being gay is not a problem.

We will work with you to help you find some Muslim counselors in England. Please email us at cybercounselor@islam-online.net for that information.

You have had some difficult experiences and must thank Allah (swt) for guiding you away from sin. Most importantly, you should not only refrain from any further homosexual acts, you should seek medical attention immediately. You must be sure that you are free of any sexually transmitted diseases before resuming sexual relations with your wife. Please take this matter seriously and take action today.

It seems that you have been blessed by Allah (swt) with a good family life. We suggest that you do nothing that could be detrimental to the stability of your family life. Allah (swt) has covered your sins and kept them from the public eye. Therefore, to tell your wife about your recent transgressions would not only hurt her, it could potentially end your marriage.

Since you say that you are able to be aroused by your wife, we strongly suggest that you increase your verbal communication with her during your relations so that she can please you within Islamic guidelines. Increased intimate relations with your wife will help you to not only strengthen your heterosexual instincts, it will also help you to feel less remorse and more pleasure because you are fulfilling your desires in a legal way as prescribed by Islamic teachings.

We suggest that if your job seems to pose a constant threat to you because you find yourself looking at other men, then please, please consider changing jobs. Allah (swt) knows you best and He is the best of Providers. He will not allow your family to suffer if you choose to change your work environment for the sake of keeping away from sin. Consider this matter seriously.

Make du'a and ask Allah (swt) to accept your repentance. Ask Allah (swt) to protect you and your family and to guide you away from this sin and towards a harmonious life with your wife and children.