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These Feelings Could Ruin My Life!

The following was submitted to Islam Online's Cyber Counselors, and their reply is below.

I have a very serious problem. I feel attracted to people of the same sex (men), and I find this absolutely disgusting. Let me inform you, I do not for one moment think it's genetic or that I was born this way, or that it's normal. I know what happened to the People of Lut (alayhi salaam), and I seek refuge in Allah. My problem is, I just can not seem to stop these feelings. What worries me even more, is that IF I get married, how will I ever be able to feel attracted to my wife? How will I be able to fulfill her needs? What will I tell her? What will I tell my parents? Would it not be betrayal to my wife if I didn't tell her about my feelings before marriage? And if I do tell her, she'll never marry me. It's a dilemma for me. More importantly, i don't want to tell anyone about this problem of mine, this disease. Perhaps it is wise I don't get married? If I don't, what excuse will I give my parents? I hope you can understand all these issues. I just do not know what to do.

First of all, let us ask Allah for His guide and help, to find the best answers for you.

I want to congratulate you for your inner struggle. You are trying to live your life accordingly to what Allah has taught us. I see you are a strong person.

Of course, this is disgusting, but I would like to call your attention to the part of yours that is strong enough to admit this difficult and that is trying to find the best way to deal with this, that is trying to make plans to future, and that is intending to be true to other people. Be sure, Allah will reward you for that.

Also, I feel you are scaring yourself with many ‘ifs’. Nothing is better than the experience in itself, for you to conclude what really IS . When you are in the situation , you see many other ways out, that you could not see before, when you were only thinking of or imagining “what can happen IF this or IF that”.

The most important are your beliefs, is your faith, is your wish to live and feel accordingly to what we learn in Islam. This is your “guiding star” to whatever happens in your life. Now, supported by that , you have to have experiences, to know yourself better, maybe to open yourself to the possibility of establishing a healthy relationship in marriage with someone you can trust and feel good with and about.

There are many factors that can make homosexual tendencies come up. May it be traumatic events in childhood, difficult relationship with authorities (parents) in life, or a greater sensibility than what is called the “normal” (but still so, is normal). Sometimes to admire characteristics in other people (male or female characteristics) are often a signal of things we would like to have in ourselves, or of things we wanted to have in our relationships. Depending on how it is understood, it can generate many wrong ideas about it. So, how deeper can you understand your tendencies? What, if you search deeper into your feelings, try to understand what these tendencies mean?

Pray, read the Qur’an, do psychotherapy if it is possible, and you will see there is much to learn about yourself still. There are lots of constructive solutions for this condition.

The horizon is open for you to know much about yourself. Just do not be stuck only in “ifs”. Fasten to your faith in Allah and go for life. If you do not run any risk, you will be running a bigger one.

Asuman Martone