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Discussion with Br. Abdullah

Assalam alaikom Mujahid

I am a Muslim brother, who though very religious, am suffering from same gender attractions since I was a teenager.

To cut a long story short, I have been trying to find a cure and mainly come across secular and Christian groups which say that homosexuality is a development disorder and if you take care of the underlying causes, then it is possible to change our orientation.

I have never come across any Muslim group that wants to 'cure' homos and have been disillusioned. I have joined the People Can Change email support group to learn about problems and solutions. I am glad to hear of a Muslim organisation that is working on a similar goal.

I am not intersted in those who say "You're born gay, so accept this" or the other extreme is that Allah made certain people gay, like He made certain people murderers and rapists, etc. and that all these people were destined to Hell. Such a scenario is disempowering.

I am going to explore your website to see what it offers. I do believe that this is a hidden problem in the Muslim Ummah that needs to be radically cured: emphasis should ideally be on prevention and if it's too late, then all avenues that can lead to a cure need to be explored.

I will be eager to answer any questions you have.

Wassalam
Abdullah

Wa 'alaykum as-salaam wa rahmatullah,

I am very pleased to have received your e-mail. I am getting more and more messages from Muslims saying a similar thing - they have been needing other Muslims to turn to, who will understand their situation instead of condemning them or providing unhelpful assessments.

My philosophical approach is that the terminology of "orientation" is misguided. Allah creates us on the fitrah (natural way), but it is due to the suggestions of Satan that we can go astray by our free will. On the other hand, it is true that some people are more inclined to certain evils than others. Rather than calling this "orientation", I say that Allah has created us unique, and Satan finds it easier to tempt an individual with certain sins than with others. He beautifies sins to make their attraction overcome the soul's aversion to it. A Muslim's struggle is to recognise what is wrong and avoid it. Anyway, if that is unclear, hopefully the articles currently on the website, as well as the many more to come (insha'Allah) will show you what I mean.

I welcome your perspective, even if it is in disagreement to what I have written! As for the two extremes you mention - well I agree that they are both wrong. Every person, whatever his inclinations and individual trials, is able to overcome Satan's call and strive for Paradise. We are not punished for our feelings! Those who resist their evil urges will be rewarded for that - such is the beauty of Islam!

I agree with you about "prevention rather than cure". My assessment is that there is a fundamental problem in understanding caused by the onslaught of non- Islamic philosophies. If Muslims understand the perspective of the Deen of Islam, they will be able to deflect all the nonsense that comes from homosexualist propagandists.

Mujahid Mustaqim, 31 Jan 03

Jazakallah for your quick response. As regards contributing articles to your newsgroup, I would be more than happy to help. However, at this time, I feel that I need to cure my own problem before I can help others: "The blind cannot lead the blind!".

My focus at present is to read all the available literature and make an action plan to address all the issues in my life that have led to my problem. There are presently many websites that are on the internet that deal with this issue

www.gaytostraight.org
NARTH
People Can Change

In Britain, there is also True Freedom Trust (check out their internet site) which has many books available that deal with this topic.

In a nutshell, what I believe is that homosexuality is a symptom of one or more of the following three causes:

• The need for the same gender parents love (usually caused by distant, aggressive dads)
• The need for gender identity ( a person envys in another man what he lacks in himself)
• Fear of intimacy with the opposite sex (the root cause being problems in relating to their own mother)

In terms of what Islam says, obviously it is haram and a person should not act on such temptations. However, I firmly beleive that it is my duty to 'cure' this problem rather than just resisting. It is like if you're ill you go to a doctor and also make duas: you dont just make duas.

In the same way, if your soul is polluted, you have to pray to Allah and also heal the underlying cause. Cure is not guaranteed, but the process of cure is beneficial for all strugglers as at the very least it can help to diminish the temptations. And Allah alone knows best.

I would recommend that you read the above websites which I found invaluable. I also feel that we really need Muslim counsellors who can counsel people with the view to 'curing' them. Cure never happens overnight, e.g. a heroin addict cannot come off heroin straight away, it is a gradual process. I am still learning more and at the moment it seems that my temptations are getting worse. InshaAllah, I will continue to work on this. Much of the stuff I have learnt has come from a Christian perspective, but I have adopted the following principle: if it does not contradict Islam, then take it on board. If it contradicts Islam, then see if you could tailor the principle to Islam.

E.g., one of the principles is homosocialisation. This just means socialising with other men (friendship). If this happens frequently, then it can help to diminish homosexual attractions as we learn to relate to men as brothers. But detaching from men aggravates the homosexual temptation. I do not see anything in this principle that contradicts Islam and I do seize the opportunity to meet up with brothers at the masjid, gym, people's houses, etc. In fact, my own experience is that when I isolate myself from men, then the homosexual temptations keep arising. A golden rule for those struggling with homosexuality is to remember that 'Isolation = death!' (spiritual death). Of course, this does not apply to all humans as we have many respected saints that would retreat from the dunya to get closer to Allah

Another principle that I have read in Christian literature is "asking Jesus to save you each time you are tempted". This contradicts Islam, but I have taken the underlying idea and said, that each time I am tempted, I will ask Allah to save me, NOT Jesus.

I can go on and on quoting many examples but I think you will find it all in the above websites.

I would like to thank you for the good work that you are doing: it is something that our maulanas should have been doing long time ago. I get really angry when I hear some Muslims laugh about gays. Do they not realise that perhaps their brother, son or uncle may be one but has kept it hidden? Should we not reach out and help? The Christians and Jews are doing this so why not the Muslims? "Change is possible" should be a message of hope for all strugglers and should be their purpose of existence. Support from other Muslims is crucial to the change process.

First of all, let me say that I really appreciate your input and that it is of great value to the StraightWay Foundation. I read your e-mail with great interest, and I agree with what you had to say. Some of the things you mention I have not thought much about before, but I'll certainly look into them insha'Allah.

I understand that you wish to concentrate on yourself before writing much, but I think that as a person actually going through the struggle, any wisdom that you could share would be of great benefit to all brothers and sisters looking for help. I'm sure you'll agree this is more useful than a thousand scholars who just don't know how to talk about the subject with empathy.

You mention three possible causes for homosexual feelings. I think they're interesting, but might not be comprehensive. As a Muslim, I don't reject outright the possibility that there is some kind of inborn cause of them, e.g. genetic. It sounds like I'm saying that Allah creates people with great difficulties, but perhaps this is an inbuilt test just like if someone is born with big ears, or perhaps a less trivial example! Some people may be born with a tendency towards this sin or another, i.e. Satan finds it easier to work on that person in that way. This is an alternative to the "orientation" terminology, but isn't far off.

I particularly like what you said about struggling to cure the temptations. You're right, a cure is not guaranteed (i.e. Satan might never stop influencing you in this way). However, we should believe that we can achieve success over him with Allah's help.

Homosocialisation is interesting. I think an aspect of that is to learn to love your brothers (or sisters, if you are a sister) with true Islamic love from the heart. Your love for them for the sake of Allah would bring you something much sweeter than any short-term satisafaction of lust could offer.

Mujahid Mustaqim, 2 Feb 03