The Straight Struggle

"The Memories of Abuse Came Flooding Back"

[This detailed personal story was submitted to Islam Online's Cyber Counselors, and their reply is below.]

Dear Brothers! I would first like to sincerely thank you for all the work you do to help people, may Allah reward you for it. My problem is quite complex and not easy for me to explain, but inshallah I will do my best. I have only told one person in my life this and it is not easy for me to open myself up, however I have come to a point of major confusion in my life and realize I should turn to someone for advice.

My problem deals with something that happened to me as a child as I am 19 years old right now. When I was in the 5th or 6th grade, I cannot quite remember, there was a relative of my father living with us in our home. This person was someone I grew up knowing and I always trusted him and he was like an uncle to me. At this time he was between the ages of 25 and 30. While he was living with us he sexually abused me over the course of about 2 years. At that time I had no idea that what was taking place was wrong as I had not yet reached puberty and I had not been told anything about sex by my parents. I also must say that at that time I was not a Muslim (my father was but he did not teach me the deen and my mother who is now a Muslim alhamdullilah was Catholic). Over time as this person did this to me, I began to feel it was wrong. Then I recall that in the 6th grade my teacher taught us about sex education and basically explained to us the nature of sex and interaction between man and woman. After that I began to feel more and more that this person was wrong. Also at that same time I learned what homosexual means and the type of people they are. After that I approached this person and told him I don't want to do this anymore. I felt it was wrong and at that same time I started to have feelings for girls (interested to talk to them of coursed not realizing that is also not proper as I was in a public school and had no religious upbringing). After I confronted this person and told him how I felt he told me that we are not like these gay people and we only do this because we love each other. After that I began feeling anger towards this person as I felt I did not want to be doing such a thing and he was forcing me to this. I also at this time knew he would be leaving our house very soon to go back to his home country. I began to look foward to this day as my day of freedom when I can escape this torture that this person put me throught. I began to feel there is maybe something wrong with me or maybe my parents don't care about me that they let this happen to me. Anyways this person he left and finally I felt free from this abuse and we even moved from that house so I was able to forget about him for about 4 years.

Now at this time I was entering 7th grade in a new town in new state far from where I was. The only problem that followed with me were after-effects of the abuse that I did not realize at that time. I will try to explain. Still I had no clear idea that what sex was and still no religious education or info from my parents. So from what this person did to me I became interested in sex. I was curious I guess you could say and I began to look in pornographic magazines and online at pornography. I had no idea it was wrong because I had some feeling inside me that was that person did to me was wrong so maybe looking at these and having a sexual desire for women was proper. This led to other things such as satisfying myself sexually and running after girls in school. This lasted from the time I was in 7th grade till about 10th grade when I got into some serious problems with a girl I realized what I was doing is not right. Now from the time I was in 8th grade my father started taking me to a masjid as he saw I was hanging out with bad kids (although he knew nothing about my sexual abuse or its results). So at that time I began to see some sort of Islamic teachings although no one properly taught me about Islam until years later. So that didnt really help.

Now I am 19 years old and a sophomore in the university. I accepted Islam as my way of life when I was a junior in High school. I started praying, fasting, and I learned how to read the Qur'an. I started going to the masjid regurlarly and even joined a Muslim youth group. Things were going great, and my parents were proud of me. Even 2 years later my mom accepted Islam. Alhamdullilah now I live my life 24/7 as a Muslim and follow the Qur'an and Sunnah to the best of my abilities. I have learned much about Islam and continue to read much Islamic literature and go to the masjid regularly. All my friends are good Muslims and I am engaged to get married soon to my cousin. But there is one problem that clings to me. Something that tortures me day and night. Constantly I find myself feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, scared, lonely, etc. I try to talk myself out of this but I cannot. I only find a glimmer of hope when I turn to Allah and to Islam as my guidance in life. The problem comes when I try to leave these things behind me and live life as a Muslim and as the person I am now, not the person that I used to be. I become confused and scared. I don't know what to do. I feel I am clinging on to this memory from the past and I won't let go no matter how much I want to. I feel I have so much to look foward to in the future, but at the same time I cannot let leave my past behind me. At times I feel I cannot trust anyone, not even my own parents or brothers, or my closest friends and relatives. I want to trust them, and I love them more than any worldy possession but I have trouble to. Every time I try to open up myself to love and trust someone, the memory of this person and how he betrayed my trust at such an innocent young age comes back to me and I close myself off again. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone inside. I feel that the world is a scary place and there is no one who can be trusted. Even when I show to myself there are good people in the world, I begin to question why? WHY? why must this happen to anyone? Why did it happen to me? Why should any child have to face such torment in their life? And then I get to a point of sadness because I dont know. On top of that I cannot stop to think of sex, I dont know why, it is not what I want in my life. I feel uncomfortable especially when I am around people of the same gender because memories sometimes resurface and I am afraid of these thoughts because I I know homosexuality is not a proper way of life and I don't want these thoughts in my head and I fear because of what happened to me I will look at people from the same gender in that manner.

I also have fears about my upcoming marriage as now I am afraid of sex. I feel ashamed of what happened to me and I feel sex to be a dirty thing and something which is sinful even thought I know from Islamic teaching it is not. I fear also being betrayed in the future by my spouse with regards to sex, even though I know she is a trustworthy person and a good Muslim and would never do such a thing. Bit there is still some fear in me.

I am sorry I am writing for so long. I just want to explain the best that I can. I have been sufferig for at least 2 years now with these feelings. I feel I cannot go on any longer with my life unless I find a resolution. I don't know whether to tell anyone or not. I love my mother very much and I feel she is the one person in this world I can truly trust and I have wanted to confide in her but I am not sure if it is the right thing to do. My parents do not know about this, I have only told my best friend who has now moved away. Inshallah I will be able to find a solution for my problems with your help. I want to move on with my life and let myself grow spiritually. I struggle to memorize the Qur'an, in prayer and in fasting because these thoughts continue to be in my head constantly. I cannot any longer concentrate on my university studies because I cannot clear my mind long enough to concentrate. I feel like my entire life has become centered around this abuse that happened to me as a child. I feel sometimes like a bad person because of these thoughts and that I cannot possibly purify myself spirtually to become a better Muslim.

As-salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh brother.

Thank-you for sharing so fully the experiences that have caused you to write to us. Not everyone finds it so easy to communicate so fully which assists us in answering you more comprehensively.

We are all born in Islam – i.e. submission to the laws of Allah s.w.t. and so as children as long as the socialization process has not overidden that essence children have an innate sense of right and wrong. Faith and trust are essential to growth and is rooted in the security and love of the family. As a child your fathers friend took advantage of the love and trust that you felt safe in and abused the sense of who you were. Children have a powerful sense of imagination and such use it to put a veil over terrible incidences where their trust and self-worth has been betrayed. Therefore what you are experiencing is a delayed reaction to what happened to you hence your inability to let go of the past.

For you, you need to have this trust repaired and to be reconnected to your family. In your minds eye because you were unable to tell either of your parents regardless of how much love you have for them you still feel betrayed. ‘They should have protected you’ is the feeling evn though consciously you know that they were totally unaware. Even still it has been you that has protected your family from the sexual abuse out of love.

Al-hamdu-lillah that your essence found its own way to the strength and guidance that Islam has to offer, but you are not guilty of anything from that past experience or a result of that experience for you did not know. Even when you were chasing girls and hanging out with the wrong people, it is as a result of trying to cope with what happened for your will was damaged. Islam does not reprimand people for what they did not know. You have in fact much inner strength and have handled yourself well for there are others whose will would have been broken, so this just goes to show how much Islam is a part of you. You took the right course of action, but what is necessary for you is to talk about what happened.

In your cautiousness to talk to your mother about it it might be wise to find some other means. She may be caught between a mixture of feelings e.g. as a mother who should have protected her child, the disbeleif of how this couldhave happened under her own roof, even anger towards her husband out of an inability to direct the anger towards the perpetartor himself. A support group for the sexually abused would be more constructive where you can feel confident about talking about the experience.

An online Muslim support group is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/muslimsdenialnomore 

Until you are able to explore this issue with someone else it will be difficult for you to regain that trust that you so desperately seek. It is an important step towards making yourself feel whole again and to see sex as a natural act to be carried out between man and wife rather than illegal and dirty – which you are not. It is your fathers friend that was illegal and dirty and has made you feel fear at your right to enter the world of marriage.

In the meantime dhikrullah – remembrance of Allah s.w.t is a useful pratice especially at times when negative feelings are strong. It will also help you to counter those sexual urges until such time you are married. He following names of Allah s.w.t will help you especially if you consider the meaning as it relates to you.

• al-Muhaymin – Protector
• al- Musawwir – Shaper of Beauty
• al- Ghaffar – The Forgiving
• ar-Razzaq – Sustainer
• al-Muqit – Nourisher
• al-Mujib – Responder to prayer
• al-Wadud – The Loving One
• al-Wakil – The Trustee
• al-Mu’id – The Restorer
• al-Mani – Preventer of Harm
• al-Hadi – The Guide
• al-Muhyi – The Giver of Life
• an-Nur – The Light

By saying these Names of Allah s.w.t. as forms of dhikr (e.g. each one 99 times) sets up a pattern of energy within you helping to weaken the negative feelings.

Just one more word, you are not a bad Muslim and you have done nothing wrong. You have done better than most because you have an inner strength that has helped you, do not lose sight of that. It is only that what troubles and naturally so needs to be separated from you and this as said before requires you to talk about the abuse and your thoughts and feelings to someone you can trust. Then and only then you might beable to discuss it with your mother, the one person you trust for you will be in a better position to handle her emotions.

We pray that we have been able to answer your question adequately and please do not hesitate to keep in touch if you have any concerns – fi-aman-Allah.

Hwaa Irfan